The fall is better than the unexpected drop.
Screaming for help, my mind is chaos,
Nobody really cares that’s just the way it is.
Help, I am falling, into an abyss of darkness.
My nails scrape clean as I try to carve my way back to the light.
At the Bottom it is damp, mossy, everything dark but a speck of light I will Never reach.
I lay down, turning my soul to the darkness, I breath in close my eyes and forget.
It has been forever and a day since I have written anything on this blog. For awhile I thought I was going to just delete this all together….but here I am. Back at it again, with maybe a different approach with things..Today I decided this Self Discovery thing would be a nice change to things and a good start to maybe a more positive kind of blog. Without further FUSS! lets get to IT!
1. How Do I Fell Right This Moment?
Right now I am feeling really tired, puffy, queasy and uncomfortable. I want to go to home and get into my bed and sleep for a few days.
2. What do I need more of in my life?
Adventure. I need more spontaneouse adventure, without worry of money, and the stress of anything. I just need more ” LETS GO TO DISNEYLAND” kind of moods.
3. What would make me happy right now?
As of now, I think not having to be at work…and feeling like I can move around without people or things touching me.
4. What is going right in life?
My marriage. Not that it was ever not right, but for the first time in a long time its just the two of us, and our dog. We can start feeling like our normal selves again. OH! and I think my job and Finances are finally going right. We could still improve, but its going really well right now. ‘Knock On Wood’.
5. What am I grateful for (10 things)
6. When did I experience Joy this week?
When I was taking my Dog out to go to the bathroom and she was just hopping along the wet grass like a bunny. She made me realize that it’s the smallest things in life that could put a smile on someones face.
7. List small victories and successes.
8. Whats bothering me? Why?
The fact that I am feeling so uncomfortable. I feel like everything is just so claustrophobic, my clothes, this hot boiling house that I work in, my insides just feel crammed, and I feel like I can’t breath. My body feels like its in one of those sumo wrestler suits, and It feels like I can’t do anything. I don’t really know why I feel like this…Well I sort of do, i’m uncomfortable in my body. And have been for a while.
9. What are my priorities at the moment?
10. What do I love about myself?
My personality, and my passion for caring for others.
11. Who means the world to me and why?
Everyone that I have in my life right now, means the world to me, Because they have all been there for me at different parts in my life, and without them, I probably would not be here.
12. If I could share ONE message to the world, what would it be?
Be kind to everyone! Stop and help someone in need! Listen to the small voice in your head that tells you to turn around and do something. Be Kind to yourself as well.
13. What advice would I give my younger self ( do I follow it Now?)
There will be people in this world, people who you thought loved you, who will tell you that you are not good enough, that you are nothing but the scum on their shoes. Don’t listen to them, they say these things because this is how they feel inside, and that is okay, It is not your fault they feel that way inside. Cut them out of your life if you have to, because they will never change. Go ahead and love them, Forgive the pain the have given you, because no matter how much you hurt, they are hurting probably 10x worse, You can go ahead and try to help them, but also remember unless they want the help, they will not accept it…just don’t waste your whole life trying to fix them.
You will have some times in your life when you feel you are worthless, and you will remember the pain you have been through, and use it against yourself, STOP….your life matters to much to throw it away. You have a future family waiting for you, that will love you more than you have ever been loved. IT’s an amazing thing. Just keep going, and keep doing what you are doing because you are a pretty awesome person, and you are going to do some pretty cool things in life. Remember to love yourself, even when It is hard to.
14. What lesson did I learn this week?
Unless I do something about it, It will never happen.
15. If I had all the time in the world, what would I Do first?
Exactly what I am doing right now, live my life.
16. Whats draining my energy? How can I reduce or cut it out?
My mental health, and my weight. What I can do is exactly what everyone tells me to do…be more active.
17. What does my ideal morning look like?
Waking up well rested, sitting on my porch with an already hot and made breakfast with a cup of OJ, and a book.
18. What does my ideal Day look like?
Time spent hiking around in the mountains, with my dog and my husband…taking pictures of the beautiful trees and landscapes, and maybe pitching a tent and camping.
19. What makes me come alive? when was the last time I truly felt alive?
The smell of rain or campfire. And the last time I truly came alive was at my families little reunion, and my husband and I went four wheeling.
20. What/Who inspires me the most? Why?
There are a few people, I am inspired by my grandma, Because of how strong she is, she has gone through so much her entire life, and she holds herself together so well, shes creative and smart, and So FUNNY! I had come to realize how much we are alike.. I am also inspired by my other grandma, who passes away when I was 8, I have been gathering a lot of information about her, and have come to know her better than I was able to when I was younger, I had only known her for maybe a few months, She is also a strong women, and is also someone who had so much love for her family, and friends, she cared for them, she also through tough times, still held true to her religion, and she loved it so much. My Two Biological Grandmothers both two women with almost the same reasons why I love them, and why they inspire me.
21. Where does my Pain originate, how can I heal?
My pains comes from my past, and the Traumatic events that happened then. The events followed me through to a different life…after one pain almost healing, my wounds would get opened up again, by the same abuse, or by someone passing away. My most recent pains stem from before I got married, the events that took place before my wedding, and then the events that happened after, My Dad passing away, and the experience I had with that. Honestly my Dad passing was probably the hardest thing, I had ever been through, and probably the most traumatizing, to me as an adult. I will never be able to forget, what it was like, and I will probably never be able to go to a funeral again.
How do I Heal from this??? Time, and counseling. Honestly I don’t think you ever really heal after losing someone so close, who was so young. My Dad was only 36.
22. What are my Strengths/What am I really good at?
I think a strength I have is being able to make someone smile, who may be sad or upset…another strength would be the fact that I am very helpful, I want to be able to help someone the best I can, But that could also be my weakness…and not knowing when It becomes bad for me to help them..I am really good at painting, and photography, these are the two things I do when I have time, when I need to relax.
23. What is something I’ve always wanted to do but am to scared?
I would love to jump out of a plain! And walk across this Carrick-a-Rede Island Rope Bridge!
One Day I will do this I promise….but today I can’t afford to, and Two, I think I would die.
24. What is something I would love to learn
A different language,
25. What new hobby would I like to Learn?
26. Where would I like to live in my Ideal Life?
this is where I would live, In Oregon. DREAM
27. Where would I like to travel in the next 3 years.
28. What can I do to take better care of myself?
I could be a bit more active, do things that I want to do, go hiking, eat healthier.
29. When have I done something I thought I couldn’t?
When I was in high school I didn’t think that I would be able to become a CNA, I was told I wouldnt be able to because I wouldn’t mentally be able to handle bathing and older man…WELL I’ve proved them wrong, I have been a CNA for 5 years!!
30! At the end of my life, what would my eulogy be or say?
I am challenging myself to do a 30 day writing challenge, I got this idea from my Pinterest and decided this may be the best way to get over my writers block. To start this off here are TEN things that make me happy.
10. NEW BOOKS
If you are a Book Worm like myself than you know what I mean when I say new books! I mean it could mean more than one thing…but where does your mind take you when you think about a new book? The newspaper smell you get when you flip the pages in your face? or the feel of the spine cracking in your hands? or the feel of the soft pages between your finger when you turn the pages???? or lastly, the excitement of going home, and cuddling up in your favorite spot on the porch with your favorite drink, or snuggling up in your bed with a little snack??? for me its all of these that make me SO happy. I could go bankrupt for being in a Barns and Noble, and not feel one once of guilt for it.
9. Pine Needles and Rain
Okay now I know some of you out there spend a lot of time in nature, exploring and going on long adventures so I’m not to crazy when I say that I LOVE the smell of pine needles and rain. I don’t know what it is about the two together but when you are camping in the mountains and its been raining the smell of the pine trees and rain just brings this sense of security, and relaxation. This too makes me feel really happy. I like to breath in the fresh mossy air.
This has got to be on everyone’s “happy” list. Sleep is one of the best things in the world, almost. It’s so refreshing to be able to go home from a long days of work, shower eat dinner, and then snuggle up with your significant other and fall asleep. It’s even better when you wake up, ready to go and relaxed and feeling energized and just ready to jump through the day. sleeping is my safe haven. I could sleep for hours and hours and not even care where the day has gone. For most people this would drive then crazy (like my husband) but for me its one way to just let everything go and let your dreams wisp you away for a little while. No worries. . . unless you are like me and sometimes still have night terrors..than it isn’t as nice. BUT still, sleeping makes my mind feel happy.
Everyone has got to of heard of these two amazing talented Ladies. The comic drawings literally are my life, they perfectly depict everything in my life to the T. These two make me laugh, and at times make me feel like I’m not the only one going through the things they draw out.
6. Shaved Legs, and Clean Silk Sheets
If you are someone who shaves your legs, you know this blissful moment after your bath, or shower when you have shaved your legs, and crawl into a clean silky bed. The feeling is indescribable, its almost like your sinking into a silky cocoon, and you never want to leave.
I’m in sort of bad relationship with this one…you see I’m not supposed to be drinking coffee, because I am LDS….and there may be a lot of back lash but anyway….I love the stuff. There is something in it..the Caffeine or the warmth that just makes my insides sort of flutter, it fills every nook and crannie with warm fuzzy feelings and how could you not love the stuff, beside the taste is really good too. sometimes i will have a cup when i really need a good pick me up…but other than that I try my hardest to stay away.
I’m the kind of person that on occasion needs a long drive with music playing, or even sometimes no music at all, I feel like this is the best therapy, along side painting. But when I just need a break from all worldly things this is what I enjoy doing. There is no planned destination, just where ever our wheels takes us.
I am obsessed with COWS. They are everything. The other day I went out and was taking pictures if my sister and this cow came right up to me…i wanted to let her so BADDD but had no idea what would happen….because you know it’s not everyday a cow just comes to say high..and besides I wanted to play with the flaps of her mouth, and knew I’d either get kicked or bit…and neither one would have been worth it….who am I kidding! It’s haunting me that I didn’t because it SOOOO would of been worth it.
2. Acrylic Paint
You know as an artist I love the way paint can be made into something so beautiful.. I love how flexible and easy it is to manipulate. That sounds a bit harsh but with Acrylic paint it glides so smoothly and sometimes it is just fun to put your whole hands in the paint and just use your fingers as your tools. I love the way the paint builds up on your brushes and mixes easily with the other colors. I don’t know there is just something about playing and staring at the way the paint is spread across a canvas that makes it so soothing to me.
When my husband is playing around with out dog, or any dogs in that matter, he does this GRRR ing noise. Any of his relatives would know what I mean. He also makes this Grring noise when he is yawning. Recently or maybe not so recently, a year ago my husband and I were at one of our local mavericks making a 3am soda trip. As I was waiting for my Ice to hit the line in my cup there came this load RAWR RAWR RAWRRRR noise I looked around for my husband because I was so shocked that he’d be making this load noise in public, I found him walking towards me with his normal scrunched eyebrow look trying to avoid anyone that came his way, and I busted out laughing!!!! he had no idea what i was laughing about, and I made him stay in the store till the stores AC kicked back on and made the load RAWR RAWR RAWRR noise, and asked him “does that sound familiar?” as first he was obliviouse as to what i was talking to then i told him ” you know how you yawn and you make this Rawring noise?” he looked at me and he too busted out laughing…almost every time we went to that maverick it would make that noise and I would bust out laughing. Sadly it has stopped…but this noise my husband makes yawning, and playing with dogs makes my heart beat fast, and make me feel all gooby inside. This makes me the Most happy.
Hope you enjoyed that little clip.
Anyway there you are, the Ten things in life that make me happy. You can expect to see day two either later tonight or later tomorrow!!!!
It’s so easy to love someone when things are perfect and everything’s wonderful. But to love someone when things are difficult, when they’re not being perfect, when they’re messing up, flaws are seen, mistakes are made, I think that’s what really allows you to see how much love really is there. Anyone can love someone who’s doing and saying all the right things. being everything you want and need, when they’ve got it all together, when they have it all figured out, but to love someone at their lowest, to love someone despite how broken they feel, when they’re lost, when you’re willing to stand by them no matter how challenging or difficult things may be, I think that kind of love is a lot more meaningful. Thank you for loving me both times, when things are good and also when things are bad, Thank you for taking in every aspect and part of me, accepting my flaws, forgiving my mistakes, helping me become them best version of me possible.
My Husband and I have been going through a pretty hard patch in out marriage, most of which is due to my lack of a job, and I think a bit because of my Mental Illness. This morning I was a bit hurt to find out that my Husband was trying to find solace in others about our marriage, trying to find comfort in knowing that what he is doing is the right thing, and trying to find comfort in knowing that everything will be okay. It only hurt because by asking others, to me meant that he didn’t feel that he could come to me and talk to me, in fear that I would take it the wrong way, and have a melt down over it. Well he was right..I did have a melt down about it. I thought in some way he was looking for someone to tell him it was time to pack up and leave, that he deserved better than what I can give him. In some aspect to me that is true, he does diverse better, I haven’t really been the wife he needed me to be for to long.
I felt insecure about him searching for comfort in others, After my melt down I was worn out, he was already exhausted, having worked 8 hours, just to come home to a insecure, jealous wife, who was upset over nothing again. Neither one of us slept very well, we have been bickering and arguing a lot more recently, and when you go to sleep on bad terms it just doesn’t make for a good nights rest. Anyway I woke up, left the bedroom and was just playing over in my head what had happened. I felt sick, and so sad, I was trying to push away the one person who loves me no matter what. A few hours passed, dinner was made, (sos is what I call it) he woke up got ready for work, and we ate together. My heart ached, because i felt, and still feel so bad for what I did. He woke up, gave me a kiss, said I love you, and thanked me for a dinner, that was probably as nasty as the fight we had few hours prior.
We spent thirty minutes together before he packed up and left for work, and the whole time I just was in shock, at how much he goes through everyday, How much he puts up with, and he does it all because he loves me. I honestly struggle with the understanding of how someone could love someone so broken, and messed up. I grew up with parents who were so toxic for each other, who fought all of the time, they both were so broken, mentally and physically, I learned from them that as soon as things hit the fan, your marriage is down hill from there. My mother raised me to think that because of my mental illnesses a man would never be able to truly love me, that if I was to ever get married, it wouldn’t last. So here I am, no job, I’ve ranked in quite a few medical bills with my actions in the last few months that have put a financial strain on my husband, and to top it off my inability to forgive myself has put our marriage on the edge. So being how I am I start to push him away, and tell him things I think he is already thinking. I push and Push for him to leave, because at least if I stay something, it wont come as a shock, when one day he finally gives up and leaves. Through all of this, he still finds a way to love me more, than he did the day before.
I don’t think I can ever thank him enough for not giving up on me, or for loving me so much despite how crazy and broken I am. I can not thank God enough either, for putting such an amazing, tough and understanding man in my life. I have never know or felt so much love from anyone in my life. I have never know such understanding and forgiveness and he shows me everyday. I push him away because I feel I don’t deserve him, he is to good to waste his time on someone who can’t find peace. Even after all of this his takes me into his arms and shows me peace and love, and the feeling of worth. I love my husband so so so much, and even if my actions sometimes show otherwise, I would not be here had it not been for his love for me. I will never be able to thank him enough, and be able to show to him enough how much he means to me.
I love you Robert. More than either of us can or will ever be able to understand. Thank you for staying, even if you had every reason to leave. Thank you for making it easier when life gets hard.
I was finally able to go out and gather some new photos, I am pretty proud of how these turned out. I am hoping to go back and practice with this new setting I discovered! I hope you’ll enjoy!
Hope you all enjoyed these flowers, because I did!
Its been a crazy month I guess you can say, not a lot to do when you don’t have a job anymore. I’ve been painting more, and started taking pictures again. These last few days have been difficult, I get that I say that a lot but… HEY! they have been. I’m trying to find a new job, and at the same time trying to make due with my time. I haven’t cleaned the house in a few day’s and the dishes have been piling up, maybe its because i’m worried about the water bill, maybe that’s why I have forgotten to shower today…Like I said, it’s been a rough few days.
I don’t really understand where this is all coming from. Am I still depressed? yes I guess I am. You would think you’d be living life to the fullest because you no longer have the responsibility of having to go to a job, to provide for your family…Right?? Wrong! It sucks but just because you don’t have a job doesn’t mean you stop working. In my case I think I have tipped a little over the deep end, I’m between finding a job and trying to get myself motivated enough to make sure my Husband has a decent meal for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and then cleaning up after every meal.
I went to my therapist on Wednesday and I thought I was going to get the help I needed, or talk about how I was doing, and how I felt. I was disappointed to find that he did most of the talking, Much of which made NO sense at all. I sat in this tiny claustrophobic room with two feet separating me and the man they say is supposed to help me. My chest immediately became tight, and my stomach became sour. I did not want to be there…my fists were balled up to the point they were white, and my leg was bouncing. The back of my neck prickling and sweating because I keep trying to plan my escape.
This happens a lot of the time with men I guess, I kept comparing this therapist to the one I had before…who was female. This one just made me feel bad inside and out, I felt judged and stupid. I don’t want to go back…but I’ve decided I will give him another shot at trying to reach through to me…but I am having my doubts.
Anyway aside from my terrible therapy experience, I did manage to crawl out of bed early yesterday morning, to catch the sunrise in Pine Valley UT. It was such a beautiful little “Get Away.” I was able to get out into the 42 degree weather, with a camouflage quilt wrapped around me and a Camera around my neck. It was nice to smell the pine trees, and hear the crunching of pine needles under my feet, Listen to the birds and there beautiful morning chirps…some that literally sounded like a dripping facet. If I can find a link of the sound I will post it down bellow. I hiked around for about two hours collecting my fill of photos for the day, and came across several little streams and waterfalls. It was…. lets just say, the perfect kind of therapy I needed. Nature.