February 18, 2018
Recently a lot of family and some friends have asked me why my Facebook profile picture is black? Why did I change it to nothing? I told some the actual reason, which to them made no sense at all. And to others I just simply explained I didn’t want there to be a picture, without any further information why.
In all honesty its not as simple of an answer. I didn’t want there to be a picture, True…. But not simple. When I changed my photo, I was in a bad mind set. I was trying to prove to myself that nobody really cared if there was a face or not. Nobody really cares, that seems sensible; but I took that mentally and twisted it to nobody would notice that ‘I’ had changed ‘my’ profile picture because nobody cared about ‘me’. Instead of proving that nobody cared that it was blank or changed at all I made it into that nobody cared about me. That nobody will notice. And In fact, in total only for people asked about the photo, Which I also twisted into, ‘nobody cared to ask’ or ‘nobody cares about me’ and ‘only four people saw it’
I was trying to justify the fact that because nobody really took notice of the black photo, that, that meant that nobody truly cared about me. and that meant I should in fact take my life, or hurt myself, because it wasn’t like anybody would notice I was gone.
My black photo basically to me. Mentally symbolized, that nobody would miss seeing my face.
This may not make any sense whatsoever to someone who I consider ‘normal’. To me it just barley makes sense.
I set myself up, because I knew that I wasn’t going to get the response I was hoping for. I knew it would hurt myself. I knew that By doing so it would push me just a little bit more, to proving myself right. That nobody truly cares about why id did it, which would mean when. or if I was gone, they still wouldn’t ask why.
In the last three weeks…I have attempted suicide four times. Put my life at risk by being reckless maybe every day. Threatened and attempted to hurt my husband once, which was the first, and hopefully the last time that will ever happen. I had self-harmed nearly every day, whether it was cutting myself open, putting myself down, or pulling my hair, or picking my face. I was doing something to harm myself.
I feel I deserve it. I feel I have done something wrong, I feel like it is my fault that my life was the way it was. I feel like maybe I deserve to be hurt, and if someone won’t hurt me, I must do it myself, because I feel I am not worth living.
I don’t know what it is I have done wrong. There are a lot of things my step mother has told me I have done wrong, there are things she has blamed me for, there are so many of her family members who have told me how terrible of a person I am. By her alone She has told me I’m fat. That I am worthless, that I will never be anything. That I will always allow others to walk all over me, that I’m pathetic, that I killed my dad, that my marriage will end in divorce because I will never make for a good wife, I’m untuneful crazy. And that I am a pathological liar. I still men from there wives and accuse men of raping me. I ruin peoples lives.
That is what I was told. From the time I was eleven years old.
To this day I believe every word that women has ever told me.
I can’t help it, I don’t know any different. I can’t look myself in the mirror and tell myself that I am beautiful….
The only ‘b’ word I can associate myself with is bitch. I can’t ever look and say “oh I actually look cute “instead I look and hear the word C%$#
I see retard, Liar, fat ass, dumbass, pathetic, pig, thief, ungrateful, poser, disgusting.
There is no positive word I can truthfully, without taking it back, that I can call myself. I’m not worthy of it. Will I ever be? I don’t know, I want to be…but do I even deserve it? I don’t know, to me having been told these things, especially by someone I loved and trusted whole heartedly, it must be true right? These things have been drilled into my head basically my entire life, How I ruined her life, made her miserable, how my dad’s death was my fault, how I am such a drama queen, always seeking attention, always trying to make people feel bad for me.
There is a lot going on in my mind right now. For someone looking and reading this, this sounds crazy, unorganized, and confusing, which makes sense. It’s hard to wrap your brain around something like this. Parts of you may wonder if I am crazy, or maybe you just don’t know what to make of this mess, it’s a lot. I get it, it’s a headache even thinking about. But this is my struggle. I don’t believe when someone tells me that I am worth it, that I deserve to be happy, its hard to even type it out. When my therapist asked me last week if I could make it to my next appointment without self-harming or attempting suicide I could not promise her that. She told me I was worth living, but I shrugged her off, and just could not except that.
I would like to share this with my friends…. I have tried to blog before, I really enjoyed it, it helped me out a lot to be able to explain and talk and write about my mental health. What Is going on right now, today or yesterday. I think this lets others into my head. And allows them to know how to better help me. This is me allowing myself to be open and accept support. I have had people tell me, therapists even, that writing, and sharing is something that could help me significantly. I have also had people. Family…. who kind of think my personal life should not be shared with those outside of family, and that I over share…. but if it helps me get through one bad day, or the middle of the night blues, then I will write and share how I am feeling. Especially if it helps make me feel better.
What I write is how I feel, what goes through my head, my opinion, this is my life, my past, present and future, please be supportive of this. And if you can’t be, then don’t read any further post like this. My intent is not to hurt anyone’s feelings. Or to make anyone feel bad for me. I am doing this because this is what helps me…. I am sharing with you in hopes that I am not alone and helping those who have not shared that they are not alone either.