February 17, 2018

February 18, 2018

Recently a lot of family and some friends have asked me why my Facebook profile picture is black? Why did I change it to nothing? I told some the actual reason, which to them made no sense at all. And to others I just simply explained I didn’t want there to be a picture, without any further information why.

In all honesty its not as simple of an answer. I didn’t want there to be a picture, True…. But not simple. When I changed my photo, I was in a bad mind set. I was trying to prove to myself that nobody really cared if there was a face or not. Nobody really cares, that seems sensible; but I took that mentally and twisted it to nobody would notice that ‘I’ had changed ‘my’ profile picture because nobody cared about ‘me’. Instead of proving that nobody cared that it was blank or changed at all I made it into that nobody cared about me. That nobody will notice. And In fact, in total only for people asked about the photo, Which I also twisted into, ‘nobody cared to ask’ or ‘nobody cares about me’ and ‘only four people saw it’

I was trying to justify the fact that because nobody really took notice of the black photo, that, that meant that nobody truly cared about me. and that meant I should in fact take my life, or hurt myself, because it wasn’t like anybody would notice I was gone.

My black photo basically to me. Mentally symbolized, that nobody would miss seeing my face.

This may not make any sense whatsoever to someone who I consider ‘normal’. To me it just barley makes sense.

I set myself up, because I knew that I wasn’t going to get the response I was hoping for. I knew it would hurt myself. I knew that By doing so it would push me just a little bit more, to proving myself right. That nobody truly cares about why id did it, which would mean when. or if I was gone, they still wouldn’t ask why.

In the last three weeks…I have attempted suicide four times. Put my life at risk by being reckless maybe every day. Threatened and attempted to hurt my husband once, which was the first, and hopefully the last time that will ever happen. I had self-harmed nearly every day, whether it was cutting myself open, putting myself down, or pulling my hair, or picking my face. I was doing something to harm myself.

I feel I deserve it. I feel I have done something wrong, I feel like it is my fault that my life was the way it was. I feel like maybe I deserve to be hurt, and if someone won’t hurt me, I must do it myself, because I feel I am not worth living.

I don’t know what it is I have done wrong. There are a lot of things my step mother has told me I have done wrong, there are things she has blamed me for, there are so many of her family members who have told me how terrible of a person I am. By her alone She has told me I’m fat. That I am worthless, that I will never be anything. That I will always allow others to walk all over me, that I’m pathetic, that I killed my dad, that my marriage will end in divorce because I will never make for a good wife, I’m untuneful crazy. And that I am a pathological liar. I still men from there wives and accuse men of raping me. I ruin peoples lives.

That is what I was told. From the time I was eleven years old.

To this day I believe every word that women has ever told me.

I can’t help it, I don’t know any different. I can’t look myself in the mirror and tell myself that I am beautiful….

The only ‘b’ word I can associate myself with is bitch. I can’t ever look and say “oh I actually look cute “instead I look and hear the word C%$#

I see retard, Liar, fat ass, dumbass, pathetic, pig, thief, ungrateful, poser, disgusting.

There is no positive word I can truthfully, without taking it back, that I can call myself. I’m not worthy of it. Will I ever be? I don’t know, I want to be…but do I even deserve it? I don’t know, to me having been told these things, especially by someone I loved and trusted whole heartedly, it must be true right? These things have been drilled into my head basically my entire life, How I ruined her life, made her miserable, how my dad’s death was my fault, how I am such a drama queen, always seeking attention, always trying to make people feel bad for me.

There is a lot going on in my mind right now. For someone looking and reading this, this sounds crazy, unorganized, and confusing, which makes sense. It’s hard to wrap your brain around something like this. Parts of you may wonder if I am crazy, or maybe you just don’t know what to make of this mess, it’s a lot. I get it, it’s a headache even thinking about. But this is my struggle. I don’t believe when someone tells me that I am worth it, that I deserve to be happy, its hard to even type it out. When my therapist asked me last week if I could make it to my next appointment without self-harming or attempting suicide I could not promise her that. She told me I was worth living, but I shrugged her off, and just could not except that.

I would like to share this with my friends…. I have tried to blog before, I really enjoyed it, it helped me out a lot to be able to explain and talk and write about my mental health. What Is going on right now, today or yesterday. I think this lets others into my head. And allows them to know how to better help me. This is me allowing myself to be open and accept support. I have had people tell me, therapists even, that writing, and sharing is something that could help me significantly. I have also had people. Family…. who kind of think my personal life should not be shared with those outside of family, and that I over share…. but if it helps me get through one bad day, or the middle of the night blues, then I will write and share how I am feeling. Especially if it helps make me feel better.


What I write is how I feel, what goes through my head, my opinion, this is my life, my past, present and future, please be supportive of this. And if you can’t be, then don’t read any further post like this. My intent is not to hurt anyone’s feelings. Or to make anyone feel bad for me. I am doing this because this is what helps me…. I am sharing with you in hopes that I am not alone and helping those who have not shared that they are not alone either.



Time Has Come


      The time has come for me to put these words down. It has come time for me to find peace within myself, and allow my story to be heard. I have always believed that my story and journey would one day come to help, and heal myself, and those around me. Telling it will allow me to become free from a kind of bondage, that has kept me from what I want to share, I have felt ashamed, and that I should take caution when telling this with so many family and friends watching my every move. You should never feel ashamed of sharing your Story.
      I give you, as my readers, My friends, My family, and acquaintances, Permission to step foot into a place of vulnerability, a place that is uncomfortable, scary, and sad. This story doesn’t end sad though, this story has a happy ending. This story ends with an ending that can help you, or someone you know find their way to a place of happiness, and peace. I allow you to read my story, and experience with me the journey of finding hope, peace, and forgiveness. It has been hard, and it will continue to be difficult, this will not be an easy read, and it will not be easy to write, I myself am still healing, and am still fighting to forgive.
      I hope that In doing this I receive positive support. I know there will be people who will disagree with sharing this, especially by doing so on social media, but in our day and time, things seem to spread like wildfire, on social media, and that is the point. to reach as many people as this needs to. To help me post this I will attach a quote I came across, some courage to help push me into doing something pretty scary.








































Close My Eyes and Forget

The fall is better than the unexpected drop.

Screaming for help, my mind is chaos,

Nobody really cares that’s just the way it is.

Help, I am falling, into an abyss of darkness.

My nails scrape clean as I try to carve my way back to the light.

At the Bottom it is damp, mossy, everything dark but a speck of light I will Never reach.

I lay down, turning my soul to the darkness, I breath in close my eyes and forget.



Think Twice!

“ Do you harbor a grudge against someone else? Do you gossip even when what you say may be true? Do you exclude, push away, or punish others because of something they have done? Do you secretly envy another?Do you wish to cause harm to someone? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may want to apply the two word sermon from earlier. Stop it. There’s enough heartache and sorrow in this life without our adding to it through our own stubbornness, bitterness, and resentment.” -Deiter F. Uchtdorf
We Have all been guilty of doing some of these things as some point in our lives…or we are even still today doing it. It is hard sometimes to not do some of these things…or think about doing them. But it’s even harder for the person receiving the brunt of the storm. We all need to think about others and whether our actions or words are going to in someway hurt someone else. Like the above quote states There is enough heartache and sorrow in this life…in our world…without our adding to it, because of our stubbornness, bitterness and resentment. We all need to just stop. Its all fun and games until someone gets hurt right??? well, I feel this time we have crossed that boundary… causing that someone to choose to take their own life.
It may feel good to blow off some steam and just talk about that person because they have upset you..
It may make you feel a little better to make fun of someone, just because you are low on self-esteem…
Maybe you want to cause harm to someone who hurt you first…
In the end it is just a continuous cycle…and It has to stop somewhere. If you are apart of one of these viscous cycles, or if you are the one causing it, just walk way. At the end of the day doing these things to others really doesn’t make us feel good does it? so why continue?
“Let us be kind. Let us forgive. Let us talk peacefully with each other. Let us do good unto all men. Allowing us to see others the way our Heavenly Father sees us, as flawed and imperfect mortals who have potential and worth far beyond our capacity to imagine.Because God loves us so much, we too must love and forgive. Remember, in the end it is the merciful who obtain mercy.
Here is the whole video, I hope that we all can learn something from this.

30 Questions For Self Discovery

It has been forever and a day since I have written anything on this blog. For awhile I thought I was going to just delete this all together….but here I am. Back at it again, with maybe a different approach with things..Today I decided this Self Discovery thing would be a nice change to things and a good start to maybe a more positive kind of blog. Without further FUSS! lets get to IT!

1. How Do I Fell Right This Moment?

Right now I am feeling really tired, puffy, queasy and uncomfortable. I want to go to home and get into my bed and sleep for a few days.

2. What do I need more of in my life?

Adventure. I need more spontaneouse adventure, without worry of money, and the stress of anything. I just need more ” LETS GO TO DISNEYLAND” kind of moods.

3. What would make me happy right now?

As of now, I think not having to be at work…and feeling like I can move around without people or things touching me.


4. What is going right in life?

My marriage. Not that it was ever not right, but for the first time in a long time its just the two of us, and our dog. We can start feeling like our normal selves again. OH! and I think my job and Finances are finally going right. We could still improve, but its going really well right now. ‘Knock On Wood’.


5. What am I grateful for (10 things)

  • My Family. For being just being themselves, and willing to be there when we need them to be.
  • My Husband, because I will forever be eternally grateful for him, for everything he dose for us, and everything he sacrifices for me, to make me happy.
  • My puppy, without her the house would be empty at night.
  • My sister, even though we argue all the time, she has taught me a lot of patience.
  • My past, I wouldn’t change it because it shaped me into a pretty strong, kind and loving person.
  • My Heavenly Father, without the knowledge of him, I would feel empty.
  • My friends, They are my home away from home. I love them all so much, without them I wouldn’t have a personality, and I would of been afraid to be who I am.
  • My Grandma, She is someone I look up to, she is probably the strongest most amazing person I know, and I love her so so Much!
  • My job, Even though It is mentally exhausting working with someone who is mentally just like me, I am grateful I have it. It was a blessing in disguise.
  • Myself. I think I am grateful for myself because I have overcome and proven that I can do anything. And that I am a good person. Strong and loving.

6. When did I experience Joy this week?

When I was taking my Dog out to go to the bathroom and she was just hopping along the wet grass like a bunny. She made me realize that it’s the smallest things in life that could put a smile on someones face.


7. List small victories and successes.

  • I lost 3 lbs this week!!
  • My dog learned to roll over, and Stay
  • I started to write again
  • I finished my Monster book of Monsters I made for Halloween.
  • Didn’t fall asleep at work.

8. Whats bothering me? Why?

The fact that I am feeling so uncomfortable. I feel like everything is just so claustrophobic, my clothes, this hot boiling house that I work in, my insides just feel crammed, and I feel like I can’t breath. My body feels like its in one of those sumo wrestler suits, and It feels like I can’t do anything. I don’t really know why I feel like this…Well I sort of do, i’m uncomfortable in my body. And have been for a while.

9. What are my priorities at the moment?

  • Get through the rest of this month and get through October, because I will not have hardly any days off and I have things I need to do, that is not work related.
  • Spend as much time with my husband as I can before I start working 8 days in a row for two or 3 weeks. UGH!
  • Get my house cleaned
  • Start my artwork for the Gallery in OCTOBER!
  • Go home and peel off these layers of tights and pants.

10.  What do I love about myself?

My personality, and my passion for caring for others.


11. Who means the world to me and why?

Everyone that I have in my life right now, means the world to me, Because they have all been there for me at different parts in my life, and without them, I probably would not be here.

12. If I could share ONE message to the world, what would it be?

Be kind to everyone! Stop and help someone in need! Listen to the small voice in your head that tells you to turn around and do something. Be Kind to yourself as well.

13. What advice would I give my younger self ( do I follow it Now?)

There will be people in this world, people who you thought loved you, who will tell you that you are not good enough, that you are nothing but the scum on their shoes. Don’t listen to them, they say these things because this is how they feel inside, and that is okay, It is not your fault they feel that way inside. Cut them out of your life if you have to, because they will never change. Go ahead and love them, Forgive the pain the have given you, because no matter how much you hurt, they are hurting probably 10x worse, You can go ahead and try to help them, but also remember unless they want the help, they will not accept it…just don’t waste your whole life trying to fix them.

You will have some times in your life when you feel you are worthless, and you will remember the pain you have been through, and use it against yourself, STOP….your life matters to much to throw it away. You have a future family waiting for you, that will love you more than you have ever been loved. IT’s an amazing thing. Just keep going, and keep doing what you are doing because you are a pretty awesome person, and you are going to do some pretty cool things in life. Remember to love yourself, even when It is hard to.

14. What lesson did I learn this week?

Unless I do something about it, It will never happen.

15. If I had all the time in the world, what would I Do first?

Exactly what I am doing right now, live my life.

16. Whats draining my energy? How can I reduce or cut it out?

My mental health, and my weight. What I can do is exactly what everyone tells me to do…be more active.

17. What does my ideal morning look like?

Waking up well rested, sitting on my porch with an already hot and made breakfast with a cup of OJ, and a book.


18. What does my ideal Day look like?

Time spent hiking around in the mountains, with my dog and my husband…taking pictures of the beautiful trees and landscapes, and maybe pitching a tent and camping.

19. What makes me come alive? when was the last time I truly felt alive?

The smell of rain or campfire. And the last time I truly came alive was at my families little reunion, and my husband and I went four wheeling.

20. What/Who inspires me the most? Why?

There are a few people, I am inspired by my grandma, Because of how strong she is, she has gone through so much her entire life, and she holds herself together so well, shes creative and smart, and So FUNNY! I had come to realize how much we are alike.. I am also inspired by my other grandma, who passes away when I was 8, I have been gathering a lot of information about her, and have come to know her better than I was able to when I was younger, I had only known her for maybe a few months, She is also a strong women, and is also someone who had so much love for her family, and friends, she cared for them, she also through tough times, still held true to her religion, and she loved it so much. My Two Biological Grandmothers both two women with almost the same reasons why I love them, and why they inspire me.

21. Where does my Pain originate, how can I heal?

My pains comes from my past, and the Traumatic events that happened then. The events followed me through to a different life…after one pain almost healing, my wounds would get opened up again, by the same abuse, or by someone passing away. My most recent pains stem from before I got married, the events that took place before my wedding, and then the events that happened after, My Dad passing away, and the experience I had with that. Honestly my Dad passing was probably the hardest thing, I had ever been through, and probably the most traumatizing, to me as an adult. I will never be able to forget, what it was like, and I will probably never be able to go to a funeral again.

How do I Heal from this??? Time, and counseling. Honestly I don’t think you ever really heal after losing someone so close, who was so young. My Dad was only 36.


22. What are my Strengths/What am I really good at?

I think a strength I have is being able to make someone smile, who may be sad or upset…another strength would be the fact that I am very helpful, I want to be able to help someone the best I can, But that could also be my weakness…and not knowing when It becomes bad for me to help them..I am really good at painting, and photography, these are the two things I do when I have time, when I need to relax.

23. What is something I’ve always wanted to do but am to scared?

I would love to jump out of a plain! And walk across this Carrick-a-Rede Island Rope Bridge!


One Day I will do this I promise….but today I can’t afford to, and Two, I think I would die.


24. What is something I would love to learn

A different language,



25. What new hobby would I like to Learn?



26. Where would I like to live in my Ideal Life?


this is where I would live, In Oregon. DREAM

27. Where would I like to travel in the next 3 years.



28. What can I do to take better care of myself?

I could be a bit more active, do things that I want to do, go hiking, eat healthier.

29. When have I done something I thought I couldn’t?

When I was in high school I didn’t think that I would be able to become a CNA, I was told I wouldnt be able to because I wouldn’t mentally be able to handle bathing and older man…WELL I’ve proved them wrong, I have been a CNA for 5 years!!

30! At the end of my life, what would my eulogy be or say?













































Sings From God

  God Will not leave you guessing. He will send you sings that it’s time to slow down, Quiet your mind, and work on yourself while He labors on your behalf. But it’s up to you to read the Sings that it’s time to wait.
Do not Rush
  • A Breakup
  • Physical or mental or emotional exhaustion
  • Negative or hurtful people leaving your life
  • The feeling of being lost or purposeless
  • An opportunity to go on a long trip or retreat
  • The awareness that you’ve been repeating the same relationship mistake for years
  • Persistent frustration and lack of peace.
Not all of God’s sings are enjoyable. Some are unpleasant or painful. But if that’s what it takes to get your attention, it’s worth it. Pay attention to the events and patterns in your life. Is God telling you to wait? If you haven’t been listening, now is a good a good time.

Day ONE! Ten Things That Make Me Happy

I am challenging myself to do a 30 day writing challenge, I got this idea from my Pinterest and decided this may be the best way to get over my writers block. To start this off here are TEN things that make me happy.


If you are a Book Worm like myself than you know what I mean when I say new books! I mean it could mean more than one thing…but where does your mind take you when you think about a new book? The newspaper smell you get when you flip the pages in your face? or the feel of the spine cracking in your hands? or the feel of the soft pages between your finger when you turn the pages???? or lastly, the excitement of going home, and cuddling up in your favorite spot on the porch with your favorite drink, or snuggling up in your bed with a little snack??? for me its all of these that make me SO happy. I could go bankrupt for being in a Barns and Noble, and not feel one once of guilt for it.

9. Pine Needles and Rain

Okay now I know some of you out there spend a lot of time in nature, exploring and going on long adventures so I’m not to crazy when I say that I LOVE the smell of pine needles and rain. I don’t know what it is about the two together but when you are camping in the mountains and its been raining the smell of the pine trees and rain just brings this sense of security, and relaxation. This too makes me feel really happy. I like to breath in the fresh mossy air.

8. Sleeping

This has got to be on everyone’s “happy” list. Sleep is one of the best things in the world, almost. It’s so refreshing to be able to go home from a long days of work, shower eat dinner, and then snuggle up with your significant other and fall asleep. It’s even better when you wake up, ready to go and relaxed and feeling energized and just ready to jump through the day. sleeping is my safe haven. I could sleep for hours and hours and not even care where the day has gone. For most people this would drive then crazy (like my husband) but for me its one way to just let everything go and let your dreams wisp you away for a little while. No worries. . . unless you are like me and sometimes still have night terrors..than it isn’t as nice. BUT still, sleeping makes my mind feel happy.

7. Sarah’s Scribbles and C-Cassandra

Everyone has got to of heard of these two amazing talented Ladies. The comic drawings literally are my life, they perfectly depict everything in my life to the T. These two make me laugh, and at times make me feel like I’m not the only one going through the things they draw out.

6. Shaved Legs, and Clean Silk Sheets

If you are someone who shaves your legs, you know this blissful moment after your bath, or shower when you have shaved your legs, and crawl into a clean silky bed. The feeling is indescribable, its almost like your sinking into a silky cocoon, and you never want to leave.

5. Coffee

I’m in sort of bad relationship with this one…you see I’m not supposed to be drinking coffee, because I am LDS….and there may be a lot of back lash but anyway….I love the stuff. There is something in it..the Caffeine or the warmth that just makes my insides sort of flutter, it fills every nook and crannie with warm fuzzy feelings and how could you not love the stuff, beside the taste is really good too. sometimes i will have a cup when i really need a good pick me up…but other than that I try my hardest to stay away.

4. Long Drives

I’m the kind of person that on occasion needs a long drive with music playing, or even sometimes no music at all, I feel like this is the best therapy, along side painting. But when I just need a break from all worldly things this is what I enjoy doing. There is no planned destination, just where ever our wheels takes us.


I am obsessed with COWS. They are everything. The other day I went out and was taking pictures if my sister and this cow came right up to me…i wanted to let her so BADDD but had no idea what would happen….because you know it’s not everyday a cow just comes to say high..and besides I wanted to play with the flaps of her mouth, and knew I’d either get kicked or bit…and neither one would have been worth it….who am I kidding! It’s haunting me that I didn’t because it SOOOO would of been worth it.

2. Acrylic Paint

You know as an artist I love the way paint can be made into something so beautiful.. I love how flexible and easy it is to manipulate. That sounds a bit harsh but with Acrylic paint it glides so smoothly and sometimes it is just fun to put your whole hands in the paint and just use your fingers as your tools. I love the way the paint builds up on your brushes and mixes easily with the other colors. I don’t know there is just something about playing and staring at the way the paint is spread across a canvas that makes it so soothing to me.

1. My Husbands Grring Noises

When my husband is playing around with out dog, or any dogs in that matter, he does this GRRR ing noise. Any of his relatives would know what I mean. He also makes this Grring noise when he is yawning. Recently or maybe not so recently, a year ago my husband and I were at one of our local mavericks making a 3am soda trip. As I was waiting for my Ice to hit the line in my cup there came this load RAWR RAWR RAWRRRR noise I looked around for my husband because I was so shocked that he’d be making this load noise in public, I found him walking towards me with his normal scrunched eyebrow look trying to avoid anyone that came his way, and I busted out laughing!!!! he had no idea what i was laughing about, and I made him stay in the store till the stores AC kicked back on and made the load RAWR RAWR RAWRR noise, and asked him “does that sound familiar?” as first he was obliviouse as to what i was talking to then i told him ” you know how you yawn and you make this Rawring noise?” he looked at me and he too busted out laughing…almost every time we went to that maverick it would make that noise and I would bust out laughing. Sadly it has stopped…but this noise my husband makes yawning, and playing with dogs makes my heart beat fast, and make me feel all gooby inside. This makes me the Most happy.


Hope you enjoyed that little clip.

Anyway there you are, the Ten things in life that make me happy. You can expect to see day two either later tonight or later tomorrow!!!!










Thanks For Loving Me…(for my Husband)

It’s so easy to love someone when things are perfect and everything’s wonderful. But to love someone when things are difficult, when they’re not being perfect, when they’re messing up, flaws are seen, mistakes are made, I think that’s what really allows you to see how much love really is there. Anyone can love someone who’s doing and saying all the right things. being everything you want and need, when they’ve got it all together, when they have it all figured out, but to love someone at their lowest, to love someone despite how broken they feel, when they’re lost, when you’re willing to stand by them no matter how challenging or difficult things may be, I think that kind of love is a lot more meaningful. Thank you for loving me both times, when things are good and also when things are bad, Thank you for taking in every aspect and part of me, accepting my flaws, forgiving my mistakes, helping me become them best version of me possible.

My Husband and I have been going through a pretty hard patch in out marriage, most of which is due to my lack of a job, and I think a bit because of my Mental Illness. This morning I was a bit hurt to find out that my Husband was trying to find solace in others about our marriage, trying to find comfort in knowing that what he is doing is the right thing, and trying to find comfort in knowing that everything will be okay. It only hurt because by asking others, to me meant that he didn’t feel that he could come to me and talk to me, in fear that I would take it the wrong way, and have a melt down over it. Well he was right..I did have a melt down about it. I thought in some way he was looking for someone to tell him it was time to pack up and leave, that he deserved better than what I can give him. In some aspect to me that is true, he does diverse better, I haven’t really been the wife he needed me to be for to long.

I felt insecure about him searching for comfort in others, After my melt down I was worn out, he was already exhausted, having worked 8 hours, just to come home to a insecure, jealous wife, who was upset over nothing again. Neither one of us slept very well, we have been bickering and arguing a lot more recently, and when you go to sleep on bad terms it just doesn’t make for a good nights rest. Anyway I woke up, left the bedroom and was just playing over in my head what had happened. I felt sick, and so sad, I was trying to push away the one person who loves me no matter what. A few hours passed, dinner was made, (sos is what I call it) he woke up got ready for work, and we ate together. My heart ached, because i felt, and still feel so bad for what I did. He woke up, gave me a kiss, said I love you, and thanked me for a dinner, that was probably as nasty as the fight we had few hours prior.

We spent thirty minutes together before he packed up and left for work, and the whole time I just was in shock, at how much he goes through everyday, How much he puts up with, and he does it all because he loves me. I honestly struggle with the understanding of how someone could love someone so broken, and messed up. I grew up with parents who were so toxic for each other, who fought all of the time, they both were so broken, mentally and physically, I learned from them that as soon as things hit the fan, your marriage is down hill from there. My mother raised me to think that because of my mental illnesses a man would never be able to truly love me, that if I was to ever get married, it wouldn’t last. So here I am, no job, I’ve ranked in quite a few medical bills with my actions in the last few months that have put a financial strain on my husband, and to top it off my inability to forgive myself has put our marriage on the edge. So being how I am I start to push him away, and tell him things I think he is already thinking. I push and Push for him to leave, because at least if I stay something, it wont come as a shock, when one day he finally gives up and leaves. Through all of this, he still finds a way to love me more, than he did the day before.

I don’t think I can ever thank him enough for not giving up on me, or for loving me so much despite how crazy and broken I am. I can not thank God enough either, for putting such an amazing, tough and understanding man in my life. I have never know or felt so much love from anyone in my life. I have never know such understanding and forgiveness and he shows me everyday. I push him away because I feel I don’t deserve him, he is to good to waste his time on someone who can’t find peace. Even after all of this his takes me into his arms and shows me peace and love, and the feeling of worth. I love my husband so so so much, and even if my actions sometimes show otherwise, I would not be here had it not been for his love for me. I will never be able to thank him enough, and be able to show to him enough how much he means to me.

I love you Robert. More than either of us can or will ever be able to understand. Thank you for staying, even if you had every reason to leave. Thank you for making it easier when life gets hard.

Our 2nd date


If I Had A Flower….New Photos

I was finally able to go out and gather some new photos, I am pretty proud of how these turned out. I am hoping to go back and practice with this new setting I discovered! I hope you’ll enjoy!

My engagement ring, and his wedding ring. They were actually his mom’s set, she passed them on to him ❤
I have no idea what these beautiful flowers are…maybe lavender….I don’t know..
I probably should have read what they were so I had there names for you..I will make note for next time 🙂
My wedding ring, his wedding ring
Pretty purple and green 💜💚
These remind me of roses! Gorgeous 🌱
I don’t know how I got this to turn out the way it did, but it turned out beautiful
And of course, cacti! 🌵🌵
Pretty In Pink! 🏵💐
Does anyone else see fireworks in this flower? 🎆
One of my favorite photos! Bubble? Or the light??
Blades of grass is what I see 🍃🌱
My Hubbs really liked this one, and it’s also my favorite
Still a bud
Come on little one REACH!
I love this idea, I may do this for my front porch! 😉
And lastly some roses

Hope you all enjoyed these flowers, because I did!

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