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Day ONE! Ten Things That Make Me Happy

I am challenging myself to do a 30 day writing challenge, I got this idea from my Pinterest and decided this may be the best way to get over my writers block. To start this off here are TEN things that make me happy.

10.  NEW BOOKS

If you are a Book Worm like myself than you know what I mean when I say new books! I mean it could mean more than one thing…but where does your mind take you when you think about a new book? The newspaper smell you get when you flip the pages in your face? or the feel of the spine cracking in your hands? or the feel of the soft pages between your finger when you turn the pages???? or lastly, the excitement of going home, and cuddling up in your favorite spot on the porch with your favorite drink, or snuggling up in your bed with a little snack??? for me its all of these that make me SO happy. I could go bankrupt for being in a Barns and Noble, and not feel one once of guilt for it.

9. Pine Needles and Rain

Okay now I know some of you out there spend a lot of time in nature, exploring and going on long adventures so I’m not to crazy when I say that I LOVE the smell of pine needles and rain. I don’t know what it is about the two together but when you are camping in the mountains and its been raining the smell of the pine trees and rain just brings this sense of security, and relaxation. This too makes me feel really happy. I like to breath in the fresh mossy air.


8. Sleeping

This has got to be on everyone’s “happy” list. Sleep is one of the best things in the world, almost. It’s so refreshing to be able to go home from a long days of work, shower eat dinner, and then snuggle up with your significant other and fall asleep. It’s even better when you wake up, ready to go and relaxed and feeling energized and just ready to jump through the day. sleeping is my safe haven. I could sleep for hours and hours and not even care where the day has gone. For most people this would drive then crazy (like my husband) but for me its one way to just let everything go and let your dreams wisp you away for a little while. No worries. . . unless you are like me and sometimes still have night terrors..than it isn’t as nice. BUT still, sleeping makes my mind feel happy.


7. Sarah’s Scribbles and C-Cassandra

Everyone has got to of heard of these two amazing talented Ladies. The comic drawings literally are my life, they perfectly depict everything in my life to the T. These two make me laugh, and at times make me feel like I’m not the only one going through the things they draw out.

6. Shaved Legs, and Clean Silk Sheets

If you are someone who shaves your legs, you know this blissful moment after your bath, or shower when you have shaved your legs, and crawl into a clean silky bed. The feeling is indescribable, its almost like your sinking into a silky cocoon, and you never want to leave.


5. Coffee

I’m in sort of bad relationship with this one…you see I’m not supposed to be drinking coffee, because I am LDS….and there may be a lot of back lash but anyway….I love the stuff. There is something in it..the Caffeine or the warmth that just makes my insides sort of flutter, it fills every nook and crannie with warm fuzzy feelings and how could you not love the stuff, beside the taste is really good too. sometimes i will have a cup when i really need a good pick me up…but other than that I try my hardest to stay away.


4. Long Drives

I’m the kind of person that on occasion needs a long drive with music playing, or even sometimes no music at all, I feel like this is the best therapy, along side painting. But when I just need a break from all worldly things this is what I enjoy doing. There is no planned destination, just where ever our wheels takes us.


3. COWS

I am obsessed with COWS. They are everything. The other day I went out and was taking pictures if my sister and this cow came right up to me…i wanted to let her so BADDD but had no idea what would happen….because you know it’s not everyday a cow just comes to say high..and besides I wanted to play with the flaps of her mouth, and knew I’d either get kicked or bit…and neither one would have been worth it….who am I kidding! It’s haunting me that I didn’t because it SOOOO would of been worth it.

2. Acrylic Paint

You know as an artist I love the way paint can be made into something so beautiful.. I love how flexible and easy it is to manipulate. That sounds a bit harsh but with Acrylic paint it glides so smoothly and sometimes it is just fun to put your whole hands in the paint and just use your fingers as your tools. I love the way the paint builds up on your brushes and mixes easily with the other colors. I don’t know there is just something about playing and staring at the way the paint is spread across a canvas that makes it so soothing to me.


1. My Husbands Grring Noises

When my husband is playing around with out dog, or any dogs in that matter, he does this GRRR ing noise. Any of his relatives would know what I mean. He also makes this Grring noise when he is yawning. Recently or maybe not so recently, a year ago my husband and I were at one of our local mavericks making a 3am soda trip. As I was waiting for my Ice to hit the line in my cup there came this load RAWR RAWR RAWRRRR noise I looked around for my husband because I was so shocked that he’d be making this load noise in public, I found him walking towards me with his normal scrunched eyebrow look trying to avoid anyone that came his way, and I busted out laughing!!!! he had no idea what i was laughing about, and I made him stay in the store till the stores AC kicked back on and made the load RAWR RAWR RAWRR noise, and asked him “does that sound familiar?” as first he was obliviouse as to what i was talking to then i told him ” you know how you yawn and you make this Rawring noise?” he looked at me and he too busted out laughing…almost every time we went to that maverick it would make that noise and I would bust out laughing. Sadly it has stopped…but this noise my husband makes yawning, and playing with dogs makes my heart beat fast, and make me feel all gooby inside. This makes me the Most happy.

 

Hope you enjoyed that little clip.

Anyway there you are, the Ten things in life that make me happy. You can expect to see day two either later tonight or later tomorrow!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks For Loving Me…(for my Husband)

It’s so easy to love someone when things are perfect and everything’s wonderful. But to love someone when things are difficult, when they’re not being perfect, when they’re messing up, flaws are seen, mistakes are made, I think that’s what really allows you to see how much love really is there. Anyone can love someone who’s doing and saying all the right things. being everything you want and need, when they’ve got it all together, when they have it all figured out, but to love someone at their lowest, to love someone despite how broken they feel, when they’re lost, when you’re willing to stand by them no matter how challenging or difficult things may be, I think that kind of love is a lot more meaningful. Thank you for loving me both times, when things are good and also when things are bad, Thank you for taking in every aspect and part of me, accepting my flaws, forgiving my mistakes, helping me become them best version of me possible.

My Husband and I have been going through a pretty hard patch in out marriage, most of which is due to my lack of a job, and I think a bit because of my Mental Illness. This morning I was a bit hurt to find out that my Husband was trying to find solace in others about our marriage, trying to find comfort in knowing that what he is doing is the right thing, and trying to find comfort in knowing that everything will be okay. It only hurt because by asking others, to me meant that he didn’t feel that he could come to me and talk to me, in fear that I would take it the wrong way, and have a melt down over it. Well he was right..I did have a melt down about it. I thought in some way he was looking for someone to tell him it was time to pack up and leave, that he deserved better than what I can give him. In some aspect to me that is true, he does diverse better, I haven’t really been the wife he needed me to be for to long.

I felt insecure about him searching for comfort in others, After my melt down I was worn out, he was already exhausted, having worked 8 hours, just to come home to a insecure, jealous wife, who was upset over nothing again. Neither one of us slept very well, we have been bickering and arguing a lot more recently, and when you go to sleep on bad terms it just doesn’t make for a good nights rest. Anyway I woke up, left the bedroom and was just playing over in my head what had happened. I felt sick, and so sad, I was trying to push away the one person who loves me no matter what. A few hours passed, dinner was made, (sos is what I call it) he woke up got ready for work, and we ate together. My heart ached, because i felt, and still feel so bad for what I did. He woke up, gave me a kiss, said I love you, and thanked me for a dinner, that was probably as nasty as the fight we had few hours prior.

We spent thirty minutes together before he packed up and left for work, and the whole time I just was in shock, at how much he goes through everyday, How much he puts up with, and he does it all because he loves me. I honestly struggle with the understanding of how someone could love someone so broken, and messed up. I grew up with parents who were so toxic for each other, who fought all of the time, they both were so broken, mentally and physically, I learned from them that as soon as things hit the fan, your marriage is down hill from there. My mother raised me to think that because of my mental illnesses a man would never be able to truly love me, that if I was to ever get married, it wouldn’t last. So here I am, no job, I’ve ranked in quite a few medical bills with my actions in the last few months that have put a financial strain on my husband, and to top it off my inability to forgive myself has put our marriage on the edge. So being how I am I start to push him away, and tell him things I think he is already thinking. I push and Push for him to leave, because at least if I stay something, it wont come as a shock, when one day he finally gives up and leaves. Through all of this, he still finds a way to love me more, than he did the day before.

I don’t think I can ever thank him enough for not giving up on me, or for loving me so much despite how crazy and broken I am. I can not thank God enough either, for putting such an amazing, tough and understanding man in my life. I have never know or felt so much love from anyone in my life. I have never know such understanding and forgiveness and he shows me everyday. I push him away because I feel I don’t deserve him, he is to good to waste his time on someone who can’t find peace. Even after all of this his takes me into his arms and shows me peace and love, and the feeling of worth. I love my husband so so so much, and even if my actions sometimes show otherwise, I would not be here had it not been for his love for me. I will never be able to thank him enough, and be able to show to him enough how much he means to me.

I love you Robert. More than either of us can or will ever be able to understand. Thank you for staying, even if you had every reason to leave. Thank you for making it easier when life gets hard.

Our 2nd date

 

If I Had A Flower….New Photos

I was finally able to go out and gather some new photos, I am pretty proud of how these turned out. I am hoping to go back and practice with this new setting I discovered! I hope you’ll enjoy!

My engagement ring, and his wedding ring. They were actually his mom’s set, she passed them on to him ❤
I have no idea what these beautiful flowers are…maybe lavender….I don’t know..
I probably should have read what they were so I had there names for you..I will make note for next time 🙂
My wedding ring, his wedding ring
Pretty purple and green 💜💚
These remind me of roses! Gorgeous 🌱
I don’t know how I got this to turn out the way it did, but it turned out beautiful
And of course, cacti! 🌵🌵
Pretty In Pink! 🏵💐
Does anyone else see fireworks in this flower? 🎆
One of my favorite photos! Bubble? Or the light??
Blades of grass is what I see 🍃🌱
My Hubbs really liked this one, and it’s also my favorite
Still a bud
Come on little one REACH!
I love this idea, I may do this for my front porch! 😉
And lastly some roses

Hope you all enjoyed these flowers, because I did! 

Trying To Live Life…kind of…*NEW PHOTO’S*

Its been a crazy month I guess you can say, not a lot to do when you don’t have a job anymore. I’ve been painting more, and started taking pictures again. These last few days have been difficult, I get that I say that a lot but… HEY! they have been. I’m trying to find a new job, and at the same time trying to make due with my time. I haven’t cleaned the house in a few day’s and the dishes have been piling up, maybe its because i’m worried about the water bill, maybe that’s why I have forgotten to shower today…Like I said, it’s been a rough few days.

 
 I don’t really understand where this is all coming from. Am I still depressed? yes I guess I am. You would think you’d be living life to the fullest because you no longer have the responsibility of having to go to a job, to provide for your family…Right?? Wrong! It sucks but just because you don’t have a job doesn’t mean you stop working. In my case I think I have tipped a little over the deep end, I’m between finding a job and trying to get myself motivated enough to make sure my Husband has a decent meal for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and then cleaning up after every meal.

 I went to my therapist on Wednesday and I thought I was going to get the help I needed, or talk about how I was doing, and how I felt. I was disappointed to find that he did most of the talking, Much of which made NO sense at all. I sat in this tiny claustrophobic room with two feet separating me and the man they say is supposed to help me. My chest immediately became tight, and my stomach became sour. I did not want to be there…my fists were balled up to the point they were white, and my leg was bouncing. The back of my neck prickling and sweating because I keep trying to plan my escape.

This happens a lot of the time with men I guess, I kept comparing this therapist to the one I had before…who was female. This one just made me feel bad inside and out, I felt judged and stupid. I don’t want to go back…but I’ve decided I will give him another shot at trying to reach through to me…but I am having my doubts.

Anyway aside from my terrible therapy experience, I did manage to crawl out of bed early yesterday morning, to catch the sunrise in Pine Valley UT. It was such a beautiful little “Get Away.” I was able to get out into the 42 degree weather, with a camouflage quilt wrapped around me and a Camera around my neck. It was nice to smell the pine trees, and hear the crunching of pine needles under my feet, Listen to the birds and there beautiful morning chirps…some that literally sounded like a dripping facet. If I can find a link of the sound I will post it down bellow. I hiked around for about two hours collecting my fill of photos for the day, and came across several little streams and waterfalls. It was…. lets just say, the perfect kind of therapy I needed. Nature.

Here is that sound of the Birds sounding like water drops..

 

Its Been Awhile, (Lets Catch Up) *Trigger Warning* maybe

To Family and Friends who will see this on my Facebook, please know what is written here, is not intended to hurt anyone. This is just what I was feeling, and going through at the time. I know that all my family and friends care about and love me so much. What is written in the italicized letters was how i felt, and was not logical. I was not in the “right mind,” so please don’t take offence. 

So I’ve been completely MIA since my last posting, so I have A LOT of catching up to do with you all. So I will start us off with the posting i was going to post before I landed myself in the hospital, now this posting is pretty upsetting to myself, and maybe those around me, only my husband knows about what I wrote about. The tittle was…or is called Suffocating Thoughts of Suicide. Yeah…its not a very happy or positive blog but it was a serious topic for me, and it was probably the fuel to my fire. I will insert the first two paragraphs of the blog.

Feeling alone is something that is a constant feeling for me. I feel I in my chest and in my mind and whole body. I know that I am really not alone, I have an amazing husband and a sister who loves me. right now I am sure they really don’t love me, but that’s the depression talking. I’ve been a lot happier recently and its really been great, I took 7 days off work 2 of which were paid and spent time with family. I had no time to myself. I’m here on my bed typing this up because I am feeling alone, and need to write out my feelings. its been two weeks since I have seriously felt this sad, and honestly a month almost since I was suicidal. I had no time to even think about it. now I am by myself left with nothing but this laptop and my thoughts.

I feel like I am suffocating right now, drowning in the emotions that have been swarming my head all day. Thoughts of never being good enough, never being small again, never adding up. I keep looking at myself in the mirror and seeing dark circles under my eyes and noticing how sunken in they look. staring at my stomach covered in stretch marks, and hating them because they aren’t from being pregnant.  I cant even touch my body without cringing.

Re-reading these first two or the whole blog makes me feel so upset that I had these thoughts, I feel embarrassed about what I said…but at the same time it is how I felt. Still right now being almost stable again, and reading this parts of me cant seem to understand why I would think like this, why I would say such mean things. Then the other parts of me do understand, because again, it was how i felt.

while trying to make myself look decent, I was catching up on some you tubers I follow, and came across a video about this man, and how he survived jumping off the golden gate bridge. Now his video was about his experience, and how he regretted it 100% and how us as viewers should learn from his attempt, and should find some help if we are suicidal, basically. while trying to pay attention to the true meaning of the video I couldn’t help but think about how I would jump from the bridge. about whether or not I would regret the decision, or whether or not someone would try to stop me. how many people would forget eventually? how many people would actually care? would my family feel sad, or would they have expected it? I feel like my family and friends around me would have expected it, almost like everyone around me thinks I am a time bomb waiting to go off, and that no body will be surprised when or if I actually decide to go through with it. Right now I have a lump in my throat and I am fighting back tears, because deep deep down, I do know that if I was to take my own life, id be leaving my husband in the most unforgivable way, I would brake his heart. My sister wouldn’t be able to live with out me. (I don’t really know this) Maybe my family would be really sad, But would any of them stop me? I honestly don’t know.

Of Course my family cares about me, and OF COURSE they would stop me, but in that state of mind you have to think, I had sunk to my lowest point, I wasn’t thinking logically. When I wrote this I knew I was falling into a pit, a very big pit, but I thought nobody really cared, so I allowed myself to fall. This was written a week before I was taken to the hospital. The morning after I wrote it my husband walked into the house from work, he got into bed, and I cried. I read to him what I had wrote and cried harder because I didn’t realize how hurtful it would be to myself, and to anyone who saw it. A week later my husband and I had a little date night at home, with a pizza and a movie. We watched a movie that was a bit triggering for me. Involving people dying and or being sexually assaulted, it wasn’t a bad movie at all, it was a about a teenager basically discovering who she is, i think the movie was even Pg13…anyway those things for whatever reason hit a nerve, my husband even asked me if I wanted to watch something else, because he knew from my body language and actions that it had affected me. I didn’t want my feelings to ruin the movie, so we continued watching.

Around 5am we were still awake, hadn’t slept since the night before and was pretty tiered but after the movie I went straight to the bedroom and let the feelings and wave of emotions swallow me whole. Rob came into bed and we laughed and cuddles a bit, but then out of nowhere I snapped.

I wont go into the details on what happened from then on, because the details are just to much. around 9am my husband had to take me to the ER for an overdose, and self harm. from there they took me to the Behavioral Hospital and i spend about 5 days there. While there I was able to recognize why I do what I do, and how to handle. it.

Its been almost a Months since I’ve been in the hospital, and I hope I never have to go back. Since then I haven’t has as many suicidal thoughts, I’ve been happier, and healthier. Although this last little while I’ve been sick…and I no longer have a job, it’s been good for me to get back on track, and focus on getting myself back.

Linked below are some talked, or quotes that could help others that have been, or that are in a bad place. These can or may help them get back on there feet.

Jeffery R. Holland talk, Like a Broken Vessel 

https://www.lds.org/generalconference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

My Choice To Marry Young

If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it.  You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it Ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by.”  – Elder F. Burton Howard

 

Marriage at a young age, has now a days accumulated a lot of criticism. I was engaged at 19 years old, and married at 19 years old. I had family who were very supportive, but a lot that were not so much. My friends definitely  thought I was way to young to get married. They all say the same things:

” your too young, you haven’t even lived your life!”

“I married at 17 and look where we are now, you should take some advice and wait till your older!”

” Oh yeah…Your Mormon, so your only getting married so you can have sex.”

” If you marry now, its only going to end in divorce, your too young.”

“Your not thinking Logically”

” You only think your in love, your just in lust”

“Stop playing this game of house, and grow up!  You don’t love each other, you don’t even know him!”

” Your throwing away everything you’ve worked hard for.”

” What about your education?”

” Are you sure, Cause you know if you marry them, you marry there family”

The list can go on and on. Honestly I am very proud of my choice of marring my husband when I did. Yes it was fast, yes I was pretty young, and yes I loved him. We have been married for 2 years now, and when I think about it, I myself am in aw, at how my husband and I have handled all of these trials and errors together. We have been through things that most newly wedded couples wouldn’t be able to handle. If a “Normal” person,  given the opportunity, was to see into our marriage, they would ask us why we haven’t left each other. It’s actually simple. When you love someone as much as we love each other,  you don’t just give up, when a hard trial comes about, You show your support not your anger, You love not fight, you stop yourself from seeing their flaws, and you love them even more. I may be in my early twenties, but I wouldn’t ever go back and wait till I was older, I wouldn’t want to give up the wonderful blessings that have come from my marriage with my husband.

Now I’m not saying it has been easy these last two years, because it hasn’t been. There has been pain, heartache, and some betrayal. I suffer from a lot of mental issues, that has put a few hurdles for my husband to jump over, and he himself has his own trials and hurdles for me to jump as well. When you do decide to marry someone, you are making a promise to that person, to care about everything, the good, the bad, the big and the small. Everything. You don’t promise them an easy life, you don’t promise that you will be a perfect person either, But you do promise to do the very best you can to not disappoint, and to love them everyday no matter what.

Studies have even proven that YES if you marry young, you are twice as likely to get a divorce. Marriage on impulse, Your expecting unexcitingly, Your not financially ready. These things that may seem like they are hard to get over, but in all honestly if you want your marriage to work out, you can always make it through anything. down below I am sharing some links that I have read, this one goes through the Studies, and research from the benefits of marring at a young age.

http://www.artofmanliness.com/2015/07/06/the-surprising-benefits-of-marrying-young/

This next Link is from the LDS Ensign for March 2017. I read this with my husband, and if your not LDS it is still such a good read, it opens you up to a different perspective on how us “Mormons” see marriage, and the meaning it holds to us, our beliefs. now I know there may be a lot of people who may disagree with what this may entail, and that’s okay. I hope that despite what you all may disagree with, this post has helped in some way change or soften your view on the negatives about marring at a young age.

https://www.lds.org/ensign/2017/03/young-adults/delaying-marriage-the-trends-and-the-consequences?lang=eng

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ready For A Change 

“I believe the hardest part of healing after you’ve lost someone you love, is to recover the “you” that went away with them” -unknown

For a whole year now, I have been faced with the realization that I haven’t been allowing myself to be happy. It’s one of the many struggles I’ve been faced with since my dad had passed away last February. In some way I feel like it is my fault. I know alot of us feel that way after losing someone very close to them, but in my case, how could it not be my fault? My dad was sick, and has been for a pretty long time. The doctor’s had told our family unless he became healthy he would pass away in a few years. Those few years passed and he had gotten a little better, a few more passed and his health had started to fall again, and again the docter told him to get healthy or you will die. I do believe he tried, to the best of his ability, but he gave up. The pain was just to much. The docter diagnosed him with congestive heart failure. He had 5 years. Hearing this i didn’t take it to seriouse. I left home, I married, and moved away. For more reasons than one, it was better I had gotten away from home.

My dad missed me. I didn’t call him nearly enough. My uncle passed away, And then there was a falling out between myself and my family. I constantly had dreams about my dad passing away, and felt like I had to call him, but I didnt, and I couldnt. February came around, and I got the news that he had passed away. My family came to my door, and I knew by the tears in there eyes that he was gone. Nobody even had to tell me. That was the hardest week of my life. Only a year since the docter said he had the choice to become healthy, or he had 5 years left. Nobody really knew how to go about this, he was a little healthier. We were all shocked. We were not prepared.  I’m not saying my dad didn’t try. He did. There was only so much his body could handle. He himself was trying very hard. But his body just was tiered. He didn’t sleep for 3 whole days before he passed away, then his last day, he finally closed his eyes. And sadly didn’t come back. It was said that my Great Grandpa held out his hand to my dad, and walked him into heaven. It was time for him to feel no more pain, and time for him to be at peace and work through this new process.

For this whole time following his passing I’ve been so mad at myself for not calling. For not saying I was sorry. For not being there for him when he needed me most. So in some way I guess I was punishing myself. I put this wall up, I pushed my family away, became angry with my husband for trying to do anything to help me, I became more depressed, and even suicidal. I slipped farther into the  black whole. I was undeserving of anything that made me feel happy. I stopped going to church, stopped praying, and stopped reading my scriptures. Even though I knew I needed comfort, I forced myself to ignore the good feelings, and welcomed in the bad. In my mind that’s all I was worth. That who I was, I was, (as I put it) a terrible person.

In this last year I have put myself through so much hell, and unnecessary distress, that my mind and body has changed and taken a toll on my health. I’ve gained weight, I’m sick almost everyday, my mental health has been so bad, I almost lost my marriage, I would like to start a family, but because of my behavior, and all the stress I’ve caused myself, my menstrual cycle has vanished. All of these things I’m going through, because I felt the need that I was undeserving, and unworthy of ever being happy.

The other night i went to spend some time with family. I needed some advice. I went and at first was upset that I even asked to come over, but afterward was very gratful I did. My Uncle is a very straightforward guy. He tells you like it is. And that’s exactly what I needed. I tryed to weasel my way out of his questions, but as always that got me nowhere. I broke down, and gave in and was honest. I was angry. I was hurt. But I needed to stop puting myself and my family through hell for something I never even did. I needed to stop feeding into the negative and finally find my way back to being the positive, loving and caring person, most people know me to be.

It’s time for a change. After this conversation with my uncle I deleted my recent blogs. They were hurtful to my family, and there was no need to be posting about my past in that way. The reason I was doing it, was not for the reason I tried to make it to be. It was my revenge. I wanted others to understand how terrible this person was, but in doing so I was only hurting the ones I loved, and being exactly the type of person I didn’t want to be. I don’t want to be full of hate, and anger. I want to be happy, caring and loving again. I want to take my life back and forget about the past. But it’s easier said than done.

This year I am hoping that I can overcome this battle I have with myself. I’m hoping that I can finally see that I do deserve to be happy. That I need to allow myself to become the person. I used to be, all smiles, care free, and loving. I would like to start painting again, and really appreciating the things I have in life. Look to my husnand, and allow myself to love him, because I do deserve him.

While Im on the subject of my husband, I would like to explain to you all how truly grateful I am to have someone like him in my life, by my side. He has stayed by my side, even after I spend hours trying to make him leave. Giving him a free pass, to do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted, just because I felt I deserve the pain that follows with betrayal. He has wrapped his arms around me, when I’m having panic attacks, and flash backs, he brings me back to reality. He is the most strong, most forgiving man I know, and I will forever be grateful for him being  sent my way. There’s a reason he and I are together. He’s saved me, from myself.

It’s been a long time coming, but I’m ready to get back on track. I’m ready to sit back, and reflect on the a moments,  and marvel the life I have lived. The grief that softened me, the heartache that wizened me, at the suffering that strengthened me. I should be proud of myself in some way, at how far I’ve come.

Grieving is such a hard thing to go through. I’ve had a boyfriend pass away, both my parents pass away at young ages, my mom at 25, and my dad at 36, Grandparents, uncles. Cousins. It’s hard, especially when those people take there own lives, or when it is sudden. I’m grateful to know that I will see these people again. That it’s not a permanent good-bye, its more like, till we meet again. Your never alone either. Don’t grieve by yourself. Surround yourself with good memories, and loving family.

Here is a little chart that show the stages of grief, for those of us that have loved ones that may be going through hard times, this could help us understand where they are at.

“To see in color is a delight for the eye, but to see in black and white is a delight for the soul.” -Andri Caldwell 

I love taking photos in Black and White, or editing them into black and white. To me it gives us a whole new perspective on the photo that was originally shot. In this blog post I would like to share with you a photo taken in color, then what the photo looks like in black and white. 

Here’s a photo I took of my husband, this is the original. Now here’s what it looks like in black and white.

Almost a different photo. The feelings between the two are completely different. 

I love this photos, the way the shadows were on these rocks made for a beautiful black and white photos. It’s almost like a gray scale. I don’t have one of these in color but wanted to share this one. 

Personally I feel that it’s not much of a mystery when photos are taken in color, but when you take that away the photos now has a story.

When you take the color away from something, it’s almost like your looking into the soul, or that person, or the object. 

For some people they like color photos better, they may feel that black and white photos are gloomy, or depressing. You’ve got to remeber though, before there was color, there was black and white. 

There is more emotion behind photos with out color. It leaves your mind curious. 

It’s just beautiful. I hope you all enjoyed seeing these photos in a different way. I know my blogs are sort of all over the place, I will try my best at being more put together. I appreciate everyone that visits my blog it’s cool to see how many of you look at this, and it’s also nice to see what you guys have in your blogs as well. If anyone has any suggestions feel free to comment, I would be gratful to receive some feed back. 

Another Rainy Day In Dixie 

Today is Sunday and again it is raining. I’m not complaining, I actually really love the rain. This morning around 9am I convinced my husband to take me to this little park.

He didn’t want to get out of the truck, but I convinced him to go with me. I needed to get out of the house, I had nothing to do and can’t be laying in bed, depressed all day.

We walked around, there wasn’t really anything interesting to take pictures of. I tryed to sneak up on some ducks. They flew away. Tried to sneak up on some frogs by following there noises, but they became silent and I couldn’t find them.

I continued to walk and came across some needles…like the ones in doctors offices, I never really think about people doing drugs, or how much of a drug problem there really is here in St. George, never really freaked me out till I saw those needles. My husband wanted to go back to the truck, but I wasn’t done exploring. I wanted to find those frogs.

Never found the frogs, I did however find some tiny tadpoles, but my camera had a hard time focusing on the water, with all of the rain, and the reflections.

I did realize that people here draw on the walls with chalk instead of spray paint, so that’s nice

After walking around for and hour we made our way back to the truck. When the sun comes out I am going to get some better photos.

I have a few spots picked out, plus it’s Sunday, and one of the places I want to got photograph, is on someone’s property, and I don’t think today’s a good day to go knocking on people’s doors.

In March I’m hoping to go to Zions, and I can’t wait for the photos I will have. I’m supper excited.

I apologize for the boring post today, just haven’t had alot happen. I hope you all enjoyed what photos I could take, and hope that you all are having a beautiful, rainy Sunday.

For anyone who is having a hard day today, you are never alone.

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