Thanks For Loving Me…(for my Husband)

It’s so easy to love someone when things are perfect and everything’s wonderful. But to love someone when things are difficult, when they’re not being perfect, when they’re messing up, flaws are seen, mistakes are made, I think that’s what really allows you to see how much love really is there. Anyone can love someone who’s doing and saying all the right things. being everything you want and need, when they’ve got it all together, when they have it all figured out, but to love someone at their lowest, to love someone despite how broken they feel, when they’re lost, when you’re willing to stand by them no matter how challenging or difficult things may be, I think that kind of love is a lot more meaningful. Thank you for loving me both times, when things are good and also when things are bad, Thank you for taking in every aspect and part of me, accepting my flaws, forgiving my mistakes, helping me become them best version of me possible.

My Husband and I have been going through a pretty hard patch in out marriage, most of which is due to my lack of a job, and I think a bit because of my Mental Illness. This morning I was a bit hurt to find out that my Husband was trying to find solace in others about our marriage, trying to find comfort in knowing that what he is doing is the right thing, and trying to find comfort in knowing that everything will be okay. It only hurt because by asking others, to me meant that he didn’t feel that he could come to me and talk to me, in fear that I would take it the wrong way, and have a melt down over it. Well he was right..I did have a melt down about it. I thought in some way he was looking for someone to tell him it was time to pack up and leave, that he deserved better than what I can give him. In some aspect to me that is true, he does diverse better, I haven’t really been the wife he needed me to be for to long.

I felt insecure about him searching for comfort in others, After my melt down I was worn out, he was already exhausted, having worked 8 hours, just to come home to a insecure, jealous wife, who was upset over nothing again. Neither one of us slept very well, we have been bickering and arguing a lot more recently, and when you go to sleep on bad terms it just doesn’t make for a good nights rest. Anyway I woke up, left the bedroom and was just playing over in my head what had happened. I felt sick, and so sad, I was trying to push away the one person who loves me no matter what. A few hours passed, dinner was made, (sos is what I call it) he woke up got ready for work, and we ate together. My heart ached, because i felt, and still feel so bad for what I did. He woke up, gave me a kiss, said I love you, and thanked me for a dinner, that was probably as nasty as the fight we had few hours prior.

We spent thirty minutes together before he packed up and left for work, and the whole time I just was in shock, at how much he goes through everyday, How much he puts up with, and he does it all because he loves me. I honestly struggle with the understanding of how someone could love someone so broken, and messed up. I grew up with parents who were so toxic for each other, who fought all of the time, they both were so broken, mentally and physically, I learned from them that as soon as things hit the fan, your marriage is down hill from there. My mother raised me to think that because of my mental illnesses a man would never be able to truly love me, that if I was to ever get married, it wouldn’t last. So here I am, no job, I’ve ranked in quite a few medical bills with my actions in the last few months that have put a financial strain on my husband, and to top it off my inability to forgive myself has put our marriage on the edge. So being how I am I start to push him away, and tell him things I think he is already thinking. I push and Push for him to leave, because at least if I stay something, it wont come as a shock, when one day he finally gives up and leaves. Through all of this, he still finds a way to love me more, than he did the day before.

I don’t think I can ever thank him enough for not giving up on me, or for loving me so much despite how crazy and broken I am. I can not thank God enough either, for putting such an amazing, tough and understanding man in my life. I have never know or felt so much love from anyone in my life. I have never know such understanding and forgiveness and he shows me everyday. I push him away because I feel I don’t deserve him, he is to good to waste his time on someone who can’t find peace. Even after all of this his takes me into his arms and shows me peace and love, and the feeling of worth. I love my husband so so so much, and even if my actions sometimes show otherwise, I would not be here had it not been for his love for me. I will never be able to thank him enough, and be able to show to him enough how much he means to me.

I love you Robert. More than either of us can or will ever be able to understand. Thank you for staying, even if you had every reason to leave. Thank you for making it easier when life gets hard.

Our 2nd date



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