Its been a crazy month I guess you can say, not a lot to do when you don’t have a job anymore. I’ve been painting more, and started taking pictures again. These last few days have been difficult, I get that I say that a lot but… HEY! they have been. I’m trying to find a new job, and at the same time trying to make due with my time. I haven’t cleaned the house in a few day’s and the dishes have been piling up, maybe its because i’m worried about the water bill, maybe that’s why I have forgotten to shower today…Like I said, it’s been a rough few days.
I don’t really understand where this is all coming from. Am I still depressed? yes I guess I am. You would think you’d be living life to the fullest because you no longer have the responsibility of having to go to a job, to provide for your family…Right?? Wrong! It sucks but just because you don’t have a job doesn’t mean you stop working. In my case I think I have tipped a little over the deep end, I’m between finding a job and trying to get myself motivated enough to make sure my Husband has a decent meal for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and then cleaning up after every meal.
I went to my therapist on Wednesday and I thought I was going to get the help I needed, or talk about how I was doing, and how I felt. I was disappointed to find that he did most of the talking, Much of which made NO sense at all. I sat in this tiny claustrophobic room with two feet separating me and the man they say is supposed to help me. My chest immediately became tight, and my stomach became sour. I did not want to be there…my fists were balled up to the point they were white, and my leg was bouncing. The back of my neck prickling and sweating because I keep trying to plan my escape.
This happens a lot of the time with men I guess, I kept comparing this therapist to the one I had before…who was female. This one just made me feel bad inside and out, I felt judged and stupid. I don’t want to go back…but I’ve decided I will give him another shot at trying to reach through to me…but I am having my doubts.
Anyway aside from my terrible therapy experience, I did manage to crawl out of bed early yesterday morning, to catch the sunrise in Pine Valley UT. It was such a beautiful little “Get Away.” I was able to get out into the 42 degree weather, with a camouflage quilt wrapped around me and a Camera around my neck. It was nice to smell the pine trees, and hear the crunching of pine needles under my feet, Listen to the birds and there beautiful morning chirps…some that literally sounded like a dripping facet. If I can find a link of the sound I will post it down bellow. I hiked around for about two hours collecting my fill of photos for the day, and came across several little streams and waterfalls. It was…. lets just say, the perfect kind of therapy I needed. Nature.