To Family and Friends who will see this on my Facebook, please know what is written here, is not intended to hurt anyone. This is just what I was feeling, and going through at the time. I know that all my family and friends care about and love me so much. What is written in the italicized letters was how i felt, and was not logical. I was not in the “right mind,” so please don’t take offence.
So I’ve been completely MIA since my last posting, so I have A LOT of catching up to do with you all. So I will start us off with the posting i was going to post before I landed myself in the hospital, now this posting is pretty upsetting to myself, and maybe those around me, only my husband knows about what I wrote about. The tittle was…or is called Suffocating Thoughts of Suicide. Yeah…its not a very happy or positive blog but it was a serious topic for me, and it was probably the fuel to my fire. I will insert the first two paragraphs of the blog.
Feeling alone is something that is a constant feeling for me. I feel I in my chest and in my mind and whole body. I know that I am really not alone, I have an amazing husband and a sister who loves me. right now I am sure they really don’t love me, but that’s the depression talking. I’ve been a lot happier recently and its really been great, I took 7 days off work 2 of which were paid and spent time with family. I had no time to myself. I’m here on my bed typing this up because I am feeling alone, and need to write out my feelings. its been two weeks since I have seriously felt this sad, and honestly a month almost since I was suicidal. I had no time to even think about it. now I am by myself left with nothing but this laptop and my thoughts.
I feel like I am suffocating right now, drowning in the emotions that have been swarming my head all day. Thoughts of never being good enough, never being small again, never adding up. I keep looking at myself in the mirror and seeing dark circles under my eyes and noticing how sunken in they look. staring at my stomach covered in stretch marks, and hating them because they aren’t from being pregnant. I cant even touch my body without cringing.
Re-reading these first two or the whole blog makes me feel so upset that I had these thoughts, I feel embarrassed about what I said…but at the same time it is how I felt. Still right now being almost stable again, and reading this parts of me cant seem to understand why I would think like this, why I would say such mean things. Then the other parts of me do understand, because again, it was how i felt.
while trying to make myself look decent, I was catching up on some you tubers I follow, and came across a video about this man, and how he survived jumping off the golden gate bridge. Now his video was about his experience, and how he regretted it 100% and how us as viewers should learn from his attempt, and should find some help if we are suicidal, basically. while trying to pay attention to the true meaning of the video I couldn’t help but think about how I would jump from the bridge. about whether or not I would regret the decision, or whether or not someone would try to stop me. how many people would forget eventually? how many people would actually care? would my family feel sad, or would they have expected it? I feel like my family and friends around me would have expected it, almost like everyone around me thinks I am a time bomb waiting to go off, and that no body will be surprised when or if I actually decide to go through with it. Right now I have a lump in my throat and I am fighting back tears, because deep deep down, I do know that if I was to take my own life, id be leaving my husband in the most unforgivable way, I would brake his heart. My sister wouldn’t be able to live with out me. (I don’t really know this) Maybe my family would be really sad, But would any of them stop me? I honestly don’t know.
Of Course my family cares about me, and OF COURSE they would stop me, but in that state of mind you have to think, I had sunk to my lowest point, I wasn’t thinking logically. When I wrote this I knew I was falling into a pit, a very big pit, but I thought nobody really cared, so I allowed myself to fall. This was written a week before I was taken to the hospital. The morning after I wrote it my husband walked into the house from work, he got into bed, and I cried. I read to him what I had wrote and cried harder because I didn’t realize how hurtful it would be to myself, and to anyone who saw it. A week later my husband and I had a little date night at home, with a pizza and a movie. We watched a movie that was a bit triggering for me. Involving people dying and or being sexually assaulted, it wasn’t a bad movie at all, it was a about a teenager basically discovering who she is, i think the movie was even Pg13…anyway those things for whatever reason hit a nerve, my husband even asked me if I wanted to watch something else, because he knew from my body language and actions that it had affected me. I didn’t want my feelings to ruin the movie, so we continued watching.
Around 5am we were still awake, hadn’t slept since the night before and was pretty tiered but after the movie I went straight to the bedroom and let the feelings and wave of emotions swallow me whole. Rob came into bed and we laughed and cuddles a bit, but then out of nowhere I snapped.
I wont go into the details on what happened from then on, because the details are just to much. around 9am my husband had to take me to the ER for an overdose, and self harm. from there they took me to the Behavioral Hospital and i spend about 5 days there. While there I was able to recognize why I do what I do, and how to handle. it.
Its been almost a Months since I’ve been in the hospital, and I hope I never have to go back. Since then I haven’t has as many suicidal thoughts, I’ve been happier, and healthier. Although this last little while I’ve been sick…and I no longer have a job, it’s been good for me to get back on track, and focus on getting myself back.
Linked below are some talked, or quotes that could help others that have been, or that are in a bad place. These can or may help them get back on there feet.
Jeffery R. Holland talk, Like a Broken Vessel