Ready For A Change 

“I believe the hardest part of healing after you’ve lost someone you love, is to recover the “you” that went away with them” -unknown

For a whole year now, I have been faced with the realization that I haven’t been allowing myself to be happy. It’s one of the many struggles I’ve been faced with since my dad had passed away last February. In some way I feel like it is my fault. I know alot of us feel that way after losing someone very close to them, but in my case, how could it not be my fault? My dad was sick, and has been for a pretty long time. The doctor’s had told our family unless he became healthy he would pass away in a few years. Those few years passed and he had gotten a little better, a few more passed and his health had started to fall again, and again the docter told him to get healthy or you will die. I do believe he tried, to the best of his ability, but he gave up. The pain was just to much. The docter diagnosed him with congestive heart failure. He had 5 years. Hearing this i didn’t take it to seriouse. I left home, I married, and moved away. For more reasons than one, it was better I had gotten away from home.

My dad missed me. I didn’t call him nearly enough. My uncle passed away, And then there was a falling out between myself and my family. I constantly had dreams about my dad passing away, and felt like I had to call him, but I didnt, and I couldnt. February came around, and I got the news that he had passed away. My family came to my door, and I knew by the tears in there eyes that he was gone. Nobody even had to tell me. That was the hardest week of my life. Only a year since the docter said he had the choice to become healthy, or he had 5 years left. Nobody really knew how to go about this, he was a little healthier. We were all shocked. We were not prepared.  I’m not saying my dad didn’t try. He did. There was only so much his body could handle. He himself was trying very hard. But his body just was tiered. He didn’t sleep for 3 whole days before he passed away, then his last day, he finally closed his eyes. And sadly didn’t come back. It was said that my Great Grandpa held out his hand to my dad, and walked him into heaven. It was time for him to feel no more pain, and time for him to be at peace and work through this new process.

For this whole time following his passing I’ve been so mad at myself for not calling. For not saying I was sorry. For not being there for him when he needed me most. So in some way I guess I was punishing myself. I put this wall up, I pushed my family away, became angry with my husband for trying to do anything to help me, I became more depressed, and even suicidal. I slipped farther into the  black whole. I was undeserving of anything that made me feel happy. I stopped going to church, stopped praying, and stopped reading my scriptures. Even though I knew I needed comfort, I forced myself to ignore the good feelings, and welcomed in the bad. In my mind that’s all I was worth. That who I was, I was, (as I put it) a terrible person.

In this last year I have put myself through so much hell, and unnecessary distress, that my mind and body has changed and taken a toll on my health. I’ve gained weight, I’m sick almost everyday, my mental health has been so bad, I almost lost my marriage, I would like to start a family, but because of my behavior, and all the stress I’ve caused myself, my menstrual cycle has vanished. All of these things I’m going through, because I felt the need that I was undeserving, and unworthy of ever being happy.

The other night i went to spend some time with family. I needed some advice. I went and at first was upset that I even asked to come over, but afterward was very gratful I did. My Uncle is a very straightforward guy. He tells you like it is. And that’s exactly what I needed. I tryed to weasel my way out of his questions, but as always that got me nowhere. I broke down, and gave in and was honest. I was angry. I was hurt. But I needed to stop puting myself and my family through hell for something I never even did. I needed to stop feeding into the negative and finally find my way back to being the positive, loving and caring person, most people know me to be.

It’s time for a change. After this conversation with my uncle I deleted my recent blogs. They were hurtful to my family, and there was no need to be posting about my past in that way. The reason I was doing it, was not for the reason I tried to make it to be. It was my revenge. I wanted others to understand how terrible this person was, but in doing so I was only hurting the ones I loved, and being exactly the type of person I didn’t want to be. I don’t want to be full of hate, and anger. I want to be happy, caring and loving again. I want to take my life back and forget about the past. But it’s easier said than done.

This year I am hoping that I can overcome this battle I have with myself. I’m hoping that I can finally see that I do deserve to be happy. That I need to allow myself to become the person. I used to be, all smiles, care free, and loving. I would like to start painting again, and really appreciating the things I have in life. Look to my husnand, and allow myself to love him, because I do deserve him.

While Im on the subject of my husband, I would like to explain to you all how truly grateful I am to have someone like him in my life, by my side. He has stayed by my side, even after I spend hours trying to make him leave. Giving him a free pass, to do whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted, just because I felt I deserve the pain that follows with betrayal. He has wrapped his arms around me, when I’m having panic attacks, and flash backs, he brings me back to reality. He is the most strong, most forgiving man I know, and I will forever be grateful for him being  sent my way. There’s a reason he and I are together. He’s saved me, from myself.

It’s been a long time coming, but I’m ready to get back on track. I’m ready to sit back, and reflect on the a moments,  and marvel the life I have lived. The grief that softened me, the heartache that wizened me, at the suffering that strengthened me. I should be proud of myself in some way, at how far I’ve come.

Grieving is such a hard thing to go through. I’ve had a boyfriend pass away, both my parents pass away at young ages, my mom at 25, and my dad at 36, Grandparents, uncles. Cousins. It’s hard, especially when those people take there own lives, or when it is sudden. I’m grateful to know that I will see these people again. That it’s not a permanent good-bye, its more like, till we meet again. Your never alone either. Don’t grieve by yourself. Surround yourself with good memories, and loving family.

Here is a little chart that show the stages of grief, for those of us that have loved ones that may be going through hard times, this could help us understand where they are at.

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